Box





I am worried about my future, of what I will become. This phase of life is what I have feared the most ; making a choice. My own future lies in my hands. So what is it that I wanna do? I dont know ):

My mom sat on her chair and was doing her work. I felt down and scared so I went to her. I sat on the floor and lay my head on her lap. She advised me, and for that half an hour, she did all the talking and I just looked and listened, not saying a word, my eyes watery. I was struggling inside, struggling so much with myself. "What do you want, Aisyah? What is it that you are passionate for?" Mak said. And I kept quiet, still struggling, my tongue empty because I didnt have an answer.

It seems that everyone has faith in me. Everyone says Im going to do well. Everyone believes I can excel. But to be very honest, I dont believe in myself. Im being very honest and direct here. You all might think Dahiyah will be fine, what crap is she talking about here. But this is what I feel, deep inside. The competition is like crazy out there, Im scared Ill drown. You think Im confident? I sometimes would like to think that to -- but I know myself well enough to say that I can easily be overshadowed my many. Friends, I might seem fine and confident around you. But that's around YOU. You havent seen me in the outer world.

Frankly, my self-esteem is low at times, quite fragile and vulnerable. I get easily disappointed when Im not proud of myself, when I look at other people better than me. How do I carry myself like those people? I want to be one of them -- just like them. But I know, I am me, Dahiyah Aisyah. I am not them, I am different and special in my own way. But still, I cant fight this emotion and that is why I say Im struggling.

I am not being emo or whatever here, I am being honest, of how I really do feel. I am scared of making choices. But my mom says, there are no right or wrong choices. Its what you make out of your choice and I know thats true. I just need to believe it.

Somehow to me, other people's opinion matters. But if everyone else's opinion matters, does mine matter? One of my curse is that I try so hard to please everyone. And now, I feel that everybody is expecting the best out of me. Expectations, expectations. But what if their expectations does not make me feel happy? I know I should follow my own expectastions. But what if the only way to make me happy is to follow other people's expectations? I am confused, I am scared, what am I to do.

But I believe I have passion in sciences. I love Biology and I love knowing the explanation to everything that is happening inside my body and around us. So atleast Ive narrowed down to sciences right?

Medicine?
Dentistry?

Im thinking of these 2 choices. My mom says I should do foundation first and learn the basics and from there I can choose -- I still have time. True, true. Im thinking of being a pediatrician. A doctor who deals with kids, because I absolutely adore kids. So im thinking of options.

All I need now, is to believe.





2 Comments